Babies are complicated. Or maybe they’re actually simple--they just need to eat, sleep, and poop--but you just don’t know in what order and how often. To help other parents in my situation I’ve compiled some of the most helpful tips and answers to common questions. You're welcome in advance!
What’s with all the crying?
According to Science, since babies can’t talk the only way they can communicate is by crying. I didn’t believe this at first either, so to test this out I asked my son if he could talk and he emphatically said “No.” When I pointed out the flaw in his reasoning he just cried and spit up on a conveniently-placed book on deductive logic, so I’ll take him at his word that he and other babies can only communicate via inconsolable whale song. Crying is talking, so it’s totally, and maddeningly, normal! Crying can mean anything from “FEED ME” to “CHANGE ME” to “YOU NEED TO SHOWER, DAD.”
My baby yawns a lot. Am I boring them?
Most likely, yes. This is due to the fact that despite being a former baby yourself, you are out of touch with the current baby zeitgeist, boomer.
So how do I entertain my baby? I like staring at my baby and all but….do they do any tricks?
Tricks like “roll over” or “attack” don’t start until month five or six after a baby’s senses develop. For the first few weeks, newborns can only see eight-to-twelve inches (no colors!) in front of their face, can barely distinguish between sounds, and have a very lowbrow sense of humor. Entertaining a little sack of developing organs is tough, so nine out of ten doctors recommend high-contrast books for both entertainment and cognitive development. The tenth doctor recommends challenging your newborn to staring contests and does not accept your insurance.
What’s tummy time?
This is when parents lie prostrate on the floor and nap.
What sort of milestones should I look forward to?
At one-and-a-half-to-two months your baby will learn to smile. At three or four months your baby will be able to mimic you, and then by month five or six will use this to do impersonations of you behind your back to the toys they seemingly show no interest in. Babies start crawling anywhere from month eight to 148, and tend to do so in the following directional order: crawl to the left, crawl to the right, criss cross, cha cha real smooth.
I can’t get my baby to sleep. Any tips?
Don’t try to force a routine on your baby too early. If you wait too long, though, your baby will develop bad sleep habits, which is a gateway habit to more sinister ones like thumb sucking and majoring in philosophy. It should be quiet where your baby sleeps, but not too quiet or the baby will only sleep in complete silence. Also silence is the absence of noise, and darkness the absence of light, so your baby should avoid sleeping in absences to avoid future abandonment issues. Purchase a flood light and Rammstein CD to lull your baby to sleep. Your baby should sleep on their back and not on their stomach. Their arms should be tucked to their sides with a tight swaddle. Legs should be fully stretched out and also immobilized with a swaddle. Baby feet should be securely attached to above-mentioned baby legs. Toes should total 10 in number provided larger toes have returned from the market.
My baby hasn’t pooped all day. Is this normal?
Totally normal! Some babies only poop once a day, and some will poop up to twenty times!
My baby sleeps with one eye open. Is this normal?
Totally normal! Every baby has their own sleep style. Try using a swaddle.
My baby is growing an extra head. Is this normal?
Totally normal! It’s just their baby head and they’ll outgrow it soon enough.
Is there anything my baby can do that is not normal and cause for concern?
Yes!
Can you tell me what it is?
Nope! Happy parenting!
Ryan White is an aspiring adult who lives in Washington, DC where he does Washington, DC stuff. He mainly writes humor and has been published in Yelp, FaceBook, and the New England Journal of Medicine (pending). No pressure to read his pieces but he would definitely read anything you wrote.